I realized after writing yesterday’s post that I don’t know how to reach out and ask for help when I really need it very well. I don’t mean the daily stuff of living or work related, I mean the more serious matters.  I grew up having to be independent and being told to soldier on (don’t cry, don’t feel, just move forward), yet learning to rely with only what I’ve been given as that was the limit in my youth.  That works for some things and I got myself thus far in life, but the aftermath years later is proving a bit detrimental. It seems to me now that those two sort of conflict one another. How do I ask for help when I feel like it’s not ok to do so, plus not having that much experience in having tried to ask for help, nurtured in feeling safe in doing so.

sisters (taken by my father) © WeiHsuang Chu 1980

I’ve been grateful for the many friends who offered help in the last few months of my life, even more grateful to those who were specific in telling me that if I needed specific help (a place to stay, money, support), that they are there for me, because, I didn’t realized I could ask, until it was offered. Wow. that’s quite the realization. This goes back to allowing myself to ask for what I want or need, and feeling that it’s my right and it’s okay to do so, that it doesn’t make me a needy or weak person. I actually feel fear I think when I need to ask for something that is for myself, I feel uncomfortable. I have no problem asking for others, and fighting for other’s needs, but when it comes to myself, I am learning how to do so now.

My deepest thank you goes out to those of you who know who you are, I may have insufficiently been able to express my gratitude, as this is all new to me, but believe me, your love and support means more to me than words can express.  I’m starting to comprehend through these experiences, how to ask for help and when, and feel okay with it. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I believe that I am going through a period of realization and transformation, otherwise I wouldn’t feel so overwhelmed, lost, and am experience so much sadness/grief that surfaces over and over again. Since teenagehood, I knew though I seemed well adjusted from some traumatic childhood past, I never really knew how to deal with it, other than to just keep surviving and moving forward. I had this feeling that I would one day feel the immensity of what I had grown up with (and shoved away), and that I would have to deal with it.

Twenty some odd years later, here I am, in a relationship that is in limbo with a trial separation (a separation I didn’t want, but a relationship I still very much want to be in and work on), Read the rest of this entry »

I’ve been told a few times that I am eloquent in speech. Funny to me since I never thought that I was good at speaking or writing, but folks point out that I’m eloquent. What does this mean? What does that signify for me, is it something that could spell a different segment of my learning and career? Any insights from readers out there?  I would love hear your feedback and help me gain more understanding of this.

Main Entry: el·o·quent

Pronunciation: \-kw?nt\

Function: adjective

Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French, from Latin eloquent-, eloquens, from present participle of eloqui to speak out, from e- + loqui to speak

Date: 14th century

1 : marked by forceful and fluent expression <an eloquent preacher>

2 : vividly or movingly expressive or revealing <an eloquent monument>

— el·o·quent·ly adverb

via Eloquent – Definition and More from the Free Merriam-Webster Dictionary.

A friend of mine, whom I met while living in Zhuhai, now lives in the city center of Arnhem. What a small world it is to have met a Brazilian in Zhuhai, then to meet again in the Netherlands of all places. Arnhem, which is just 1/2 hour by train from where I was staying, so far seems like a charming city. Apparently the city center was bombed during the war, thus the city center was rebuilt where it was needed, thus there is this great blend of old and new, and it definitely brings about out an energy around here that I like. I’ve always liked juxtiposition of old and new. It’s livelier feeling than Utrecht’s city center because of this too, in my view. So far every city center I’ve been to is similiar yet different. Similarities in the center are things such as a church, market squares, and brick or stone lined streets. Different is the energy and pace of life the center breathes. At noon, one can hear the church bells toll, which really reminds me that I am in Europe after all.

Today my friend is busy with her study group, so I wander out to find some food and place to hang out. She’s in a catch-22 position with getting a bank account, in order to order cable tv and internet, so it’s a bit lonesome to hang out too long with nothing to do. Also, being a non-smoker, the stale smoke smell from the previous resident/theowner, leaves me wanting fresher air. So my mission was to find fresh air, and get some internet access. After two months here, I’ve found that it’s difficult in the Netherlands to find cafes that offer Wifi service, let alone free wifi. Oh how I miss this freedom of communication and being connected to the world!

After trying a few cafes [no wifi to be found], I finally settled on an Hungarian cafe and had a fusion pannekoeken, shredded chicken fillet flavoured Hungarian style with a lovely sauce and small green salad. To drink, I ordered a Latte Macchiatto. All coffee drinks in Netherlands seem to be always served with a little cookie or biscotti, it is such a lovely addition to receive and nibble on, I think this is something every cafe should adapt. Here, it is hard to find coffee ‘to go’. Apparently there are only two Starbucks in all of Netherlands. One in Utrecht, in the Central train station, and the other, located within Nike’s headquarters somewhere west of Amsterdam. Hmm.. maybe McDonalds offer coffee to go, but I haven’t noticed anyone walking around with one of those yet.

Pannekoekken Kip + Latte Macchiato by Kaishin Chu © 2009

Koffiedrinken is a more sit down, take your time kind of thing, so that perhaps explains the lack of ‘to-go’ options. Also, it is done with a companion and time is spent to have conversations and taking it slow. I guess laptop use would be strange for them, deemed a bit anti-social perhaps? Well, being a solo traveller, I need to do something while I stretch out my time on my own to enjoy my koffie slowly… so, it cannot be helped.
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p.s.
For those who know what is going on in my personal life, the title of this post references the recent events.