the rose from TJ: © .kaishin. 2009.

The rose I purchased by donation from TJ, the homeless man that I adore and wish him luck.

it smells lovely now that it has opened…

www.theglobeandmail.com/news/national/article674477.ece

TJ no longer seems to be selling flowers with the Flowers for Food program down in that area, since it go developed mostly. I found him walking down Davie at 4am Sun morning on my way home from a party. I was so happy to see him.. I often wondered about him driving by his old spot, esp. since I had not seen him for over two years while being away. He was so gracious. giving compliments and just had this genuine easy going attitude despite the hardships, a gentle soul. This rose is the first rose I bought this year, and it has brought me such happiness as well as beauty of life :)

cooking for my father: © .kaishin. 2009.

I haven’t done much photography lately, as most of my spare time has been dedicated to a mixture of supporting my dad through his state of dementia, a little bit of school, a new job, and healing from a long term relationship separation.

My Saturdays now consist of grocery shopping and then cooking 7+ days worth of dinners for my father, as he doesn’t remember to eat unless the meals are staring at him in the fridge or the freezer. He’s also not eating balanced meals anymore, with the exception of extreme amounts of fruits, and a milk+natural sweetner+protein powder+instant congee concoction every morning. Also included in my Saturdays is the continued efforts to clean and tidy up his apartment, and finding all pertinent paper works, as he has managed to disorganize and mix up the last 3 – 7 years worth of once organized files and binders of statements. It seems that he’s likely had dementia as early as 3 years ago, but has been hiding it well, since he’s always been a bit of an eccentric.

Since he’s developed dementia, more and more he is reverting back to childhood peferences, of food, memories and habits. He’s been refusing some foods he has always loved in the past, such as spaghetti bolognese and stirfries or Chinese buns even. Yesterday was the first day I did meals on this scale, and it seemed paid off. First I had to distract him with DVD of Chinese TV series, so he wouldn’t notice that I brought groceries and was cooking for him; he denies he needs help you see. Then I could cook in peace.

After I stocked his fridge with the meals, he went to get his afternoon fill of fruits, I saw him open the fridge and stare in for a few seconds, closed it, took a step away, then come back and ask me what dishes were in there. He asked for beef, and I said there is braised beef on rice, so he picked it out himself and then warmed up the food in the microwave and had himself a satisfying meal in front of the TV. At least I can now be assured he will eat for the week. Phew.

This time period has been hard to accept and adjust to, mostly on my part since he doesn’t recognize his mental decline. Discussions are done to determine when he will likely need to go into a nursing home, and what I’ll need to do with his finances and such. I was so not ready for this so soon in life, for my father and myself. It was also interesting to find out how his family chose to deal with it, mostly all alarmists that can complain and bring attention, but don’t get involved in a real way. People sometimes disappoint me, esp. if they are family. Oh well. C’est la vie I suppose.

I realized after writing yesterday’s post that I don’t know how to reach out and ask for help when I really need it very well. I don’t mean the daily stuff of living or work related, I mean the more serious matters.  I grew up having to be independent and being told to soldier on (don’t cry, don’t feel, just move forward), yet learning to rely with only what I’ve been given as that was the limit in my youth.  That works for some things and I got myself thus far in life, but the aftermath years later is proving a bit detrimental. It seems to me now that those two sort of conflict one another. How do I ask for help when I feel like it’s not ok to do so, plus not having that much experience in having tried to ask for help, nurtured in feeling safe in doing so.

sisters (taken by my father) © WeiHsuang Chu 1980

I’ve been grateful for the many friends who offered help in the last few months of my life, even more grateful to those who were specific in telling me that if I needed specific help (a place to stay, money, support), that they are there for me, because, I didn’t realized I could ask, until it was offered. Wow. that’s quite the realization. This goes back to allowing myself to ask for what I want or need, and feeling that it’s my right and it’s okay to do so, that it doesn’t make me a needy or weak person. I actually feel fear I think when I need to ask for something that is for myself, I feel uncomfortable. I have no problem asking for others, and fighting for other’s needs, but when it comes to myself, I am learning how to do so now.

My deepest thank you goes out to those of you who know who you are, I may have insufficiently been able to express my gratitude, as this is all new to me, but believe me, your love and support means more to me than words can express.  I’m starting to comprehend through these experiences, how to ask for help and when, and feel okay with it. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.