I’ve been holding back on writing for a while, partly due to the continued adventures of this long drawn out move, partly due to my state of mind.

Lately I’ve been going through a bit of a tough time, and having found a song that somehow allows me to feel some release or touches my heart has been a blessing. I feel that a symbolic rain will wash away the pain and feelings, and renew me somehow.  I don’t know if it’s having turned 36, unemployed, having just finished reading ‘A New Earth’, and sort of homeless while in a new country where we still live in a dumpy hotel apartment that is causing the upheaval, or it’s just that time in life where we need to go over a bump and take a stock of what’s in our lives, if it makes us happy, and to find out if there is something we can do for ourselves to make it even better, to make ourselves better. Part of it I know, is that I started to feel that I’m missing out not being married, and settling down to build a family and stable home. I never thought I had that strong of a biological clock, but now I realize it may be that mine just chimes a different tune, more subtle, and maybe I’ve been blind to it. I didn’t and don’t get the pangs that friends who reached this age before me described, none of the ‘oh I need to have a baby!’ feelings. Best I can describe it, is that I feel a need to create a home, to feel I’ve ventured onto the next phase of what life means to me, to build a loving family, to be amazed at children, to give my love and see the unexpected rewards.  I guess it means I want to nest and settle down.

The hard part was/is that I’m not sure if my partner is on the same page, and after some talks, he isn’t sure either. This validated my doubts and confused me even more; is this why I’m indifferent to having kids lately? Confusion is a scary thing ’cause it really makes me aware of my fears and the need to look within myself on what I need or want. All I know is that when we are confused about life, we are actually closer to finding out something meaningful and moving onto the next phase. It’s never easy to feel that you’re not in control and know you need to work on yourself while trusting faith or whatever you want to call it, to guide you through. This is where perseverance, trust,  and patience lessons are being taught again, in mountain loads. I need to trust that my partner will work out what he needs to find out his own path, and I need to trust myself that I can take it day be day, work on my own self,  and not have to be in the know of how it will turn out. I’m guessing, nothing in life is clear in 100% certainty, so just go with it as best I can.

And while we wait for our own paths to become clearer… Let It Rain, Let It Rain… Over and Over and Over and Over again…

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Song/Lyric reference: Over and Over – Rachael Yamagata (a beautiful and heart aching song)