A friend of mine, whom I met while living in Zhuhai, now lives in the city center of Arnhem. What a small world it is to have met a Brazilian in Zhuhai, then to meet again in the Netherlands of all places. Arnhem, which is just 1/2 hour by train from where I was staying, so far seems like a charming city. Apparently the city center was bombed during the war, thus the city center was rebuilt where it was needed, thus there is this great blend of old and new, and it definitely brings about out an energy around here that I like. I’ve always liked juxtiposition of old and new. It’s livelier feeling than Utrecht’s city center because of this too, in my view. So far every city center I’ve been to is similiar yet different. Similarities in the center are things such as a church, market squares, and brick or stone lined streets. Different is the energy and pace of life the center breathes. At noon, one can hear the church bells toll, which really reminds me that I am in Europe after all.

Today my friend is busy with her study group, so I wander out to find some food and place to hang out. She’s in a catch-22 position with getting a bank account, in order to order cable tv and internet, so it’s a bit lonesome to hang out too long with nothing to do. Also, being a non-smoker, the stale smoke smell from the previous resident/theowner, leaves me wanting fresher air. So my mission was to find fresh air, and get some internet access. After two months here, I’ve found that it’s difficult in the Netherlands to find cafes that offer Wifi service, let alone free wifi. Oh how I miss this freedom of communication and being connected to the world!

After trying a few cafes [no wifi to be found], I finally settled on an Hungarian cafe and had a fusion pannekoeken, shredded chicken fillet flavoured Hungarian style with a lovely sauce and small green salad. To drink, I ordered a Latte Macchiatto. All coffee drinks in Netherlands seem to be always served with a little cookie or biscotti, it is such a lovely addition to receive and nibble on, I think this is something every cafe should adapt. Here, it is hard to find coffee ‘to go’. Apparently there are only two Starbucks in all of Netherlands. One in Utrecht, in the Central train station, and the other, located within Nike’s headquarters somewhere west of Amsterdam. Hmm.. maybe McDonalds offer coffee to go, but I haven’t noticed anyone walking around with one of those yet.

Pannekoekken Kip + Latte Macchiato by Kaishin Chu © 2009

Koffiedrinken is a more sit down, take your time kind of thing, so that perhaps explains the lack of ‘to-go’ options. Also, it is done with a companion and time is spent to have conversations and taking it slow. I guess laptop use would be strange for them, deemed a bit anti-social perhaps? Well, being a solo traveller, I need to do something while I stretch out my time on my own to enjoy my koffie slowly… so, it cannot be helped.
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p.s.
For those who know what is going on in my personal life, the title of this post references the recent events.

the light above the abyss…: © kaishin chu 2009.

This sort of sums up how I feel for the last little while… that the upward climb is seemingly forever unreachable. In less than six weeks we will be moving yet again, this time to Makati, Philippines – for J’s work. I laughed at the news first when it came a couple of weeks ago, while en route on my way back from a terribly hard and emotional visit to Vancouver, to see my father. We still have boxes to unpack from the move to this current home of ours, which was only 6 weeks ago.  I feel a bit like I’m at the bottom of a dark abyss, mixed emotions from all the stress of the last few months, unresolved feelings regarding my father’s situation, unresolved relationship matters, sad to be leaving a place I have yet to fully discover, finding it hard not having a life of my own to claim, then leaving behind a couple of great friends we made here in the last 3.5 months since we’ve been in Singapore.  J’s been working extra long hours and hard hours they are. I’ve been in limbo without a job, looking with no luck yet. I badly want to feel settled, but cannot. C’est la vie, n’est ce pas? I suppose it is. The Chinese saying, ‘mei ban fa’, always comes to mind, it means ‘nothing can be done’ as in ‘it’s not of our control’. I just hope that the light at the top gets closer in the coming new year.

After the recent post “let it rain” a lot has taken place in my life. I often wanted to write about it but didn’t find myself in the right frame of mind when I finally had some time to sit down. After what seems like a whirlwind month, I’ve decided to just jot down all that I can remember of things I wanted to write about, including as to why I was in Vancouver on a last minute visit…

Sept 23: J gets approval letter for his EP (employment pass), pick up is on Oct 2nd.
Sept 26: we see our first condo, after two appts fall through. this condo is in a development I saw online back in March when there was talk of possibly moving to Singapore. We decided it was the place. We put in our letter of intent along with a deposit of S$2900 (for 57sqm semi-furnished, on average for just slightly larger one bedroom, costs S$3500, maybe semi-furnished)
Sept 28: we got chosen for the apartment. yay.
Oct 1st: we meet to sign Tenancy Agreement for two year lease (on average the most common) and to give first months rent, plus two month’s rent as security deposit.
Oct 4: I had a slightly alarming talk with my father, after not hearing from him and not having been able to get a hold of him for over 3 months. He called me at 2:30am and I happened to have forgotten to turn my mobile off. Also noticed that he might not Read the rest of this entry »

Last colours of autumn: © goddess_spiral 2009.

My good friend, Rachael took this amazing photograph on my recent trip home to Vancouver. It wasn’t a planned trip, as it was booked 5 days prior to leaving. It was a trip I didn’t want to go on, but it was necessary to investigate and observe my father’s health condition.

So towards the tail end of my trip, I got to get away a bit, and hang out with Rachael, and try to be photogenic for her portrait shots ;) We drove around to spots where either of us had seen lovely red maple trees, and Rachael did her magic to photograph me.

This photo is my favorite, there are two others in her online album/set, part of her new portrait series. Check it out: Rachael Ashe.

I’ve been holding back on writing for a while, partly due to the continued adventures of this long drawn out move, partly due to my state of mind.

Lately I’ve been going through a bit of a tough time, and having found a song that somehow allows me to feel some release or touches my heart has been a blessing. I feel that a symbolic rain will wash away the pain and feelings, and renew me somehow.  I don’t know if it’s having turned 36, unemployed, having just finished reading ‘A New Earth’, and sort of homeless while in a new country where we still live in a dumpy hotel apartment that is causing the upheaval, or it’s just that time in life where we need to go over a bump and take a stock of what’s in our lives, if it makes us happy, and to find out if there is something we can do for ourselves to make it even better, to make ourselves better. Part of it I know, is that I started to feel that I’m missing out not being married, and settling down to build a family and stable home. I never thought I had that strong of a biological clock, but now I realize it may be that mine just chimes a different tune, more subtle, and maybe I’ve been blind to it. I didn’t and don’t get the pangs that friends who reached this age before me described, none of the ‘oh I need to have a baby!’ feelings. Best I can describe it, is that I feel a need to create a home, to feel I’ve ventured onto the next phase of what life means to me, to build a loving family, to be amazed at children, to give my love and see the unexpected rewards.  I guess it means I want to nest and settle down.

The hard part was/is that I’m not sure if my partner is on the same page, and after some talks, he isn’t sure either. This validated my doubts and confused me even more; is this why I’m indifferent to having kids lately? Confusion is a scary thing ’cause it really makes me aware of my fears and the need to look within myself on what I need or want. All I know is that when we are confused about life, we are actually closer to finding out something meaningful and moving onto the next phase. It’s never easy to feel that you’re not in control and know you need to work on yourself while trusting faith or whatever you want to call it, to guide you through. This is where perseverance, trust,  and patience lessons are being taught again, in mountain loads. I need to trust that my partner will work out what he needs to find out his own path, and I need to trust myself that I can take it day be day, work on my own self,  and not have to be in the know of how it will turn out. I’m guessing, nothing in life is clear in 100% certainty, so just go with it as best I can.

And while we wait for our own paths to become clearer… Let It Rain, Let It Rain… Over and Over and Over and Over again…

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Song/Lyric reference: Over and Over – Rachael Yamagata (a beautiful and heart aching song)