Today I felt compelled to write, as Vida, a lovely friend had nudged me a while back, to write more. I haven’t been making the time to do so, ever since coming back to Vancouver. I’ve been in survival mode. Thanks Vida. Your little seed has grown ;) I want to share today’s experience of when I visited my dad…
On my every visit to my dad’s care home, I never know what is in store for me. It’s so random. I’m highly sensitive, in terms that my senses are more acute than the average person, thus I feel and experience a lot of things more intensely than most, all the while I can feel overwhelmed and thus shut it all out at times to withdraw and protect myself, despite that I probably should be more present in some instances. Today for some reason was one of those days I was very ‘open’ and now feel drained.
When one arrive at the Alzheimer/Dementia floor, it’s different. Oldies wondering around or stare at you, other’s are just Read the rest of this entry »
Here’s to 2010, what a year it was, full of highs and lows. What I can say is that in 2010 I learned:
that I am forever in awe of my friendships and the support in which is returned to me. I have needed so much and received it in bountifuls.
to mourn and to love. Both of which to a level I had never experienced before, and some of it was regarding my own self.
how to gain acceptance on a different level. To finally come to full acceptance (for the loss of the father I knew and never knew, that it is my choice to become responsible for him, the end of the relationships I once knew, etc) while not compromising my own deep rooted values and needs was the biggest lesson of all.
above all, to have more compassion for myself finally. I always gave everyone else understanding and compassion for them to be who they are, but never did I give myself as equally.
My list of highlights or lowlights, significant happenings of the recent past year:
mourned and healed from the loss of a 9 year relationship.
rekindled halted friendships upon moving back to Vancouver
discovered deep bonded friendships that were more family to me than the blood relations
travelled and lived in Netherlands for 2 months: mid Dec to mid Feb. to be able to breathe and mourn
found a place to rent in March, lived with a roommate for 3 months
started to manage my father’s affairs and health
started my first course on Industrial Design, finally getting around to learn about something I always had interest in.
found a new job in March
started to advocate for my dad’s well being and his need for more care. discovered the extent of my father’s dementia and his intelligence which covers up for the dementia
started to do 2-3 time visits to my father’s and cook meals for him
got to meet my sister’s little boy for the first time. Luka is a little cherub of cuteness.
moved into my own apartment in June
advocate strongly in June for my father to move into a care home, and to find a way to convince my father to go
reunited my sister and my father; he got to meet his grandson for the first time. To see my father with pure joy expressed was amazing.
worked crazy overtime for my job in June/July, managed to save production/deliveries timelines.
took the first weekend off for myself and took the train to Seattle, to visit good friends in Bellevue
managed my dad’s well being after his escape attempts in Sept
my dad managed a dangerous successful escape attempt, e/o Sept. Ended up in the hospital.
J and I officially ended the separation in person with J’s visit in October. Single again, starting fresh and still have one of my best friends intact. He still is family. We are fortunate.
started my second course in Industrial Designg, Illustrations.
loss my contract job with the company closure in Nov.
contacted by a cold call from a potential client in Nov.
started to freelance on my own in Nov/Dec with good fortune and for necessity.
travelled to Dallas and Plano, Texas to visit my cousin and his lovely family
went on an African animal safari in Texas. met giraffes up close and feed/pet them.
last minute trip to Montreal, learned about circular knitting for client and to design on site
engineered new technology and design for client
met my dad’s best friend in Montreal, had my first real Parisienne French cuisine
spent the first alone New Year’s eve ever in my life, but with friends online and by phone.
booked an impromtu trip to go back to a land I love :)
2011, this year is about Me, I look forward to the further learnings, understandings, and experiences.
I share my gratitude in advance, to those who give continued support and love. I hope I can give in return to match what I receive.
Just now I found out that my stand in person for visiting dad while I take a week off, will not likely be able in doing so and I am feeling stressed and it seems to have pushed my emotions over the edge. Dad has been calling me 3-6 times a day this last week saying he needs to discuss things, when in fact he has nothing to say when I get there to sit with him, but I think he just needs to have someone there or maybe see me, esp. since his brother and friend visitors are away for the winter. His memory is getting worse by the week, it’s shocking and hard to see. Today sitting there one on one, I had to carry the conversation and try to get him to stay on track, he’s fading out more and more now, mid conversation I’ll realize that he isn’t totally clear that I’m his daughter, but just someone close he can count on :’(
This is so hard, being the only one. Most days I seem to cope with it well. Tonight I am not.
I’ve been contemplating a career shift for a number of years, and lately it seems to be moving more and more interest in online tech related and social media/marketing. With a recent job loss, first time in my life being laid off with a company closure, I’m feeling the push to really look into this with a big leap. Interesting that since I’ve been talking to more people about this, more info shows up in front of me, this one in particularly useful for myself for learning, and to see if it’s something I want to be involved in as work. I’m digging it thus far :)
“101010 is 42 in binary. 101010 is the Answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything”
First day of trying to sleep in (unsuccessful) and not have to rush anywhere (after a month long marathon with caring for dad, with his multiple attempted escape from the care home in the last month), and just wanted to have a leisurely day to take care of myself.
Appropriately, though coincidental, also the 1st day of the new chapter of my life. Single again, after a 10 year relationship (9 years common-law, 1 year separation) begins to be dissolved. There are still some details to work out, like co-owned dwelling and belongings, but now I can fully heal and move onwards with a new outlook on life.
