Today I felt compelled to write, as Vida, a lovely friend had nudged me a while back, to write more. I haven’t been making the time to do so, ever since coming back to Vancouver. I’ve been in survival mode. Thanks Vida. Your little seed has grown ;) I want to share today’s experience of when I visited my dad…

On my every visit to my dad’s care home, I never know what is in store for me. It’s so random. I’m highly sensitive, in terms that my senses are more acute than the average person, thus I feel and experience a lot of things more intensely than most, all the while I can feel overwhelmed and thus shut it all out at times to withdraw and protect myself, despite that I probably should be more present in some  instances. Today for some reason was one of those days I was very ‘open’ and now feel drained.

When one arrive at the Alzheimer/Dementia floor, it’s different. Oldies wondering around or stare at you, other’s are just Read the rest of this entry »

Here’s to 2010, what a year it was, full of highs and lows. What I can say is that  in 2010 I learned:

• that I am forever in awe of my friendships and the support in which is returned to me. I have needed so much and received it in bountifuls.
• to mourn and to love. Both of which to a level I had never experienced before, and some of it was regarding my own self.
• how to gain acceptance on a different level. To finally come to full acceptance (for the loss of the father I knew and never knew, that it is my choice to become responsible for him, the end of the relationships I once knew, etc) while not compromising my own deep rooted values and needs was the biggest lesson of all.
• above all, to have more compassion for myself finally. I always gave everyone else understanding and compassion for them to be who they are, but never did I give myself as equally.

My list of highlights or lowlights, significant happenings of the recent past year:

1. mourned and healed from the loss of a 9 year relationship.
2. rekindled halted friendships upon moving back to Vancouver
3. discovered deep bonded friendships that were more family to me than the blood relations
4. travelled and lived in Netherlands for 2 months: mid Dec to mid Feb. to be able to breathe and mourn
5. cheered in the New Year in Utretch
6. Visited: Utretch, Arnhem, Amsterdam, Rotterdam
7. visited a Brazilian friend I met in Zhuhai out in Arnhem
8. moved back to Vancouver in mid February
9. lived with a good friend for 1 month
10. experienced the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympics, watched a live Olympic curling match
11. found a place to rent in March, lived with a roommate for 3 months
12. started to manage my father’s affairs and health
13. started my first course on Industrial Design, finally getting around to learn about something I always had interest in.
14. found a new job in March
15. started to advocate for my dad’s well being and his need for more care. discovered the extent of my father’s dementia and his intelligence which covers up for the dementia
16. started to do 2-3 time visits to my father’s and cook meals for him
17. got to meet my sister’s little boy for the first time. Luka is a little cherub of cuteness.
18. moved into my own apartment in June
19. advocate strongly in June for my father to move into a care home, and to find a way to convince my father to go
20. reunited my sister and my father; he got to meet his grandson for the first time. To see my father with pure joy expressed was amazing.
21. moved my father into a care home in July.
22. worked crazy overtime for my job in June/July, managed to save production/deliveries timelines.
23. took the first weekend off for myself and took the train to Seattle, to visit good friends in Bellevue
24. managed my dad’s well being after his escape attempts in Sept
25. my dad managed a dangerous successful escape attempt, e/o Sept. Ended up in the hospital.
26. J and I officially ended the separation in person with J’s visit  in October. Single again, starting fresh and still have one of my best friends intact. He still is family. We are fortunate.
27. started my second course in Industrial Designg, Illustrations.
28. loss my contract job with the company closure in Nov.
29. contacted by a cold call from a potential client in Nov.
30. started to freelance on my own in Nov/Dec with good fortune and for necessity.
31. travelled to Dallas and Plano, Texas to visit my cousin and his lovely family
32. went on an African animal safari in Texas. met giraffes up close and feed/pet them.
33. last minute trip to Montreal, learned about circular knitting for client and to design on site
34. engineered  new technology and design for client
35. met my dad’s best friend in Montreal, had my first real Parisienne French cuisine
36. spent the first alone New Year’s eve ever in my life, but with friends online and by phone.
37. booked an impromtu  trip to go back to a land I love :)

2011, this year is about Me, I look forward to the further learnings, understandings, and experiences.

I share my gratitude in advance, to those who give continued support and love. I hope I can give in return to match what I receive.